News Commentary: My 5 cents

3 pieces of news I heard in the past week that got a bit of emotion and opinion out of me in descending order…

News #3: shootings in the United States
Random shootings in churches and malls across the US in addition to what we’re now familiar with-- schools, really make me wonder why the people in the US act in such fashion! The cynical me that really hate US’ aggressive foreign policies immediately commented on the fact that the US government should invest money into their own education system rather than spending so much money invading other countries because seriously, it seems like their own citizens will end up killing each other before George Bush can put the American flag on oil rich countries’ soil. Why can Americans own guns? That might contribute to their random killings!

News #2: The commemoration of the Nanking Massacre
Today is the anniversary of Nanking Massacre that happened a long time ago, and whenever I see the pictures portrayed in the media; people being buried alive and women brutally raped and killed, it would stir up emotion of pain and horror within me. I have nothing against Japanese citizens, what angers me is the Japanese government’s denial the invasion of Nanking happened! I believe that for my grandparents’ generation, they will hold a lot of anger and hatred for Japanese because a lot of them have suffered under their brutality; for my generation, speaking for myself, I would say, I have nothing against Japanese people as a race, but am definitely angered by the Japanese government’s ignorance of this event. Do they think 300,000 people will choose to be tied up and used as gun shooting targets, or like to lie down in the dirt and be willingly buried alive, or that the women choose to willingly be raped and humiliated? From the whole Nanking Massacre, what angers me is that back then, it doesn’t even seem like Japan wanted to invade Nanking and colonized it; rather, they are trying to terminate a race or perish Nanking of Chinese people, because or else, why would they randomly shoot women and children in wild abundance? All the 300,000 people killed in Nanking were civilians that weren’t armed!

News #1: Outrageous alternative healing options to cancer
We feel the most helpless when we are told we have some form of terminal illnesses, and at the current trend is for people to seek alternative form of medicine practices. Recently on TV, a form of alternative healing has gain light in the media, the creator claims that by using a little hammer and whacking a doll that has listed a person’s veins and body parts, that would help in reducing your tumor or other form on illnesses residing in that specific part! This is just beyond outrageous to me, and the creator (from the US) or the president of the HK chapter has the nerve to go on TV advertising their effectiveness! The creator even goes so far as to use an infrared flashlight and shine it to the doll claming that is the same as undergoing radiation for the actual person! Apparently, his newest form of “helping” is towards people with diabetes. He claims that when he knocks on the doll, after 20 minutes, the person’s sugar level will go down, oh, and by the way, he ONLY charges $50USD per call. I understand that when people become desperate or that conventional form of medicine cannot help them, there is a tendency to reach out and buy any kind of hope that is offered, but for the people claming their method work or telling people to just follow his instructions rather than undergoing an operation just anger me beyond comprehension. Rather than giving someone hope, you are very well making a hopeful situation hopeless! I highly doubt that if the creator of that stupid plastic doll will just knock on that dumb doll rather than undergoing an operation if he finds out he has cancer!

Segmenting Life

I have recently read an article that divides a person’s life span into 4 sections that I found to be interesting. To summarize the author’s piece of writing, he said that before we reach 20, we live in the shadow of other’s expectations, such as from our family or from our teachers. This is a confusing period in our lives where we are not yet developed, lacking in knowledge, experience, and maturity. When we reach 20, we start to shed the expectations of other people and begin to aspire to our dreams and goals. We start to envision and chase after possibilities we see for ourselves. Then, when we reach 40, we realize the “better” part of our youth is gone, and we would begin to see many of our dreams in the 20s and 30s that are not yet realized. At this segment of our lives, we would live with feelings of regret, remorse, pity, and “if only”. By the time we reach 60, we would become aware that our prime is in the past and what lies ahead is limited time in this life. At this point, we would tell ourselves to stop thinking of our past regrets or things that haven’t been accomplished, and we would value and treasure the time we have on earth. At the end of life’s ladder, we will reminisce and remember the dreams and aspirations that are not yet fulfilled, and realize that all our dreams and visions are still at when we were 20, we have not yet advanced past that segment.

I started digesting and pondering at this piece of writing, and if the life span of 20-40 is indeed the focal point of my life, what are the dreams and aspirations I wanted achieve. What do I want out of life? Quick brainstorm of what I want:
· Business venture
· Husband
· Own an apartment

Having realized the 3 things that popped out of my head so quickly, I decided to figure out why I don’t have them.

Business venture (I can buy one anytime I want, but to do that without thinking of the potential costs, risks, capabilities, etc is just throwing money into the ocean. I believe due diligence is important in acquiring a business venture; when the right venture knocks, I know I’ll be ready. Therefore, I believe what is stopping me is the fear of failure, I want to hit the jackpot on the first run)

Husband (well, I believe due diligence apply to this case as well…being quite independent and going through so much changes in my family, the biggest obstacle I see for myself is learning to go from being independent to interdependent. Atypical of females in HK, I do not need a mega rich husband to marry and become a tai-tai, because that is a waste of my business degree. I don’t even need my husband to be richer than me; what I need is a partner that I can trust, I can depend on, and I can share with. In summation, I believe the obstacle lies within me, not the men in HK. I need to learn to share, to open up, and to let people in. I actually don’t think I need to rush, I am learning; and besides, my grandma told me this prophet said I marry late anyway)

Own an apartment (I can buy one anytime as well, so I believe what is stopping me is the crazy prices in HK and the over-zealous stock market that continue to drive prices up. If I go out and buy a place now and suddenly America enters into recession and global markets plummet, I would be whacking myself up and down for not being patient and wait. Internally I know the market is bubbling and would pop soon, but sometimes, I just want to own my place RIGHT NOW, and that TYPE A behavior would make me lose money, and I don’t want that. On the other hand, I am very aware of the opportunity cost of not buying a flat, such as the high rent I am spitting out to my landlord, which could bundle up into a nice little down payment. Once again, why would I buy now knowing there is a better entry price, so patience and due diligence again applied in this case.)

In summation, DUE DILIGENCE seems like an important vocabulary to remember that could lead to success and also is an obstacle to my “things to achieve” between 20-40 to avoid feeling a sense of regret at 40 and not living the dreams of my 20s when I am 60. Note very carefully that I did not include other important elements such as health and happiness to my list of things because I believe these 2 elixirs of life are not things I want only in my 20-40 age period. These 2 factors are when keep me alive and are the very driving forces of life. Happiness and health are blessed upon me that money could not buy. They are not dreams, they are the essential forces that keep me living.

Life’s little mysteries

I have been asked and have asked people the question of “Do you trust your friends”, and the general answer I always get is “I trust my friends from high school”. I have given the same answer too; even though we might have drifted apart, we do not have the same social circle, our interests are not similar, or that our lives are so consumed with our work circle or our significant other that we rarely see or communicate with our friends from high school-- apparently, at the end of the day, they are the people we trust the most.

I asked people and myself why this phenomenon occurred, and the most common answer again would be that because we grew up together. I never realized that adolescent years obviously shape and imprint on others who we are in life…no matter who we turn out to be, who we have become in our adult lives-- when our friends from high school stand in front of us, all we see is the teenage version; the person we had lunches with in the cafeteria or hallways, the person we went and chill at the mall with and caught a movie with, or the person we giggled over for hours on the phone with or chatted non-stop all night on ICQ/MSN.

Isn’t it strange? It’s not that we do not trust people we meet along the way as we continue on with life, but somehow, we feel that we can trust our high school friends just because we grew up with them. Innately, we feel that no matter who those people from high school turn out to be, we can still trust them because we feel safe, they won’t harm us or hurt us because we grew up together. The conclusion I draw from this little mystery is that our past shape and influence who we turn out in the eyes of the people we grew up together with.

Perfection

I still remember the first day I got pretzel, it was actually my birthday a bit over a year ago. All excited, my friend drove me to the Vancouver International Airport to pick him up. Caroline and I just couldn’t resist and we opened Pretzel’s kennel and let him out, and in front of me stood a shivering little puppy, hunched over, so frightened he couldn’t stop shaking. I fell in love with that stinky little cuddle of joy, and on the drive home, when Pretzel went from shaking all over to slowly calming down and eventually snuggling up to sleep in my laps, I know I would love that little dog.

When he first got to his new home and I took him out for his new walks around the neighborhood, everyone walking by will gushed at how cute and small he was, and how adorable he looked in his little harness. I saw how Pretzel was scared of the curb to finally being able to do a little jump at 4 months to finally walking down the steps at the Metrotown library when he was 6 months marked so many little achievements and symbolizes his growing up.

No matter how adorable and cute he is, I am always bugged by his tearstains and would try and try to get rid of them; from washing his face aggressively to putting in tearstain drops, and until recently, having the vet pulled down his eye veins in hopes the tear ducts would not clog. However, nothing worked, he is still tearstained, though I am glad to say it is a lot lighter on its own accord than when he was a puppy; but what has changed is I started accepting his tearstains, and the stains make him what he is, I suppose. I learned that the “perfection” I am aiming for is without any imperfections, flaws, or blemishes, when in fact he is already perfect in every way. It was so silly to expect perfection in a canine when humans are but with imperfections. Everyone has some sort of flaw, scar, or a past, but it is actually that particular imperfection that make us perfect, unique, and who we are.

Eating in Hong Kong

The various kinds of food served in restaurants; from high class 5 star hotels to fast food café can all be so delicious and so imaginative. That is one of the things about HK that makes this such a “happening” city. I had such a blast enjoying a delicious “5 star” rating private French cuisine meal where the food and presentation of the dishes are superb. The goose liver was just fried to perfection, the stuffed chicken was so artistically cooked with the prawn, and the presentation of the desserts and humongous bright red strawberry dipped in chocolate sauce made the meal absolutely filling! Over glasses of red and white wine and super conversations with friends, it was an amazing meal.

Sauntering over to Shangri-la, I could enjoy a 5 star sumptuous buffet filled with sashimi, smoked salmon, and a huge array of dessert. The services, environment, and food are so delicious you would not be able to leave without a huge belly weighing you down. For an expensive glass of Margarita and a delicious hard-to-resist Tiramisu at the InterContinental Hotel, the entire Victoria Harbor is placed right in front of you. With live jazz and piano playing, there is nowhere better to spend an evening of conversation.

For $15, I could enjoy a tasty beef rice bowl from Yoshinoya, adding a couple extra dollars, I bought myself a chilling matcha red bean drink. Then for less than $50, I got myself a sizzling hot plate meal that include ½ a Brazilian chicken, baked potatoes, mushroom soup, and a banana split for dessert.

Eating in HK always wowed me and filled me with wonder. With an ever-changing menu and different restaurants with different themes and fusion of foods cooked, one could always expect to encounter a delicious eating experience around the corner!

Religions

Today, I watched a sobem production of the destruction of the financial centre during 9/11, and how a Christian family has to cope with a deceased loved one, and unable to find the body in the destruction. I witnessed their difficulties to cope because they are unable to recover the body, so it’s difficult to put a period, or to have a “finality” feel about the ending of this life; yet the family is comforted by the thought that their loved one is waiting for them in heaven.

From this production, I started thinking about the various religions in the world, and remember an episode of the Chinese version of “deal or no deal” that recently aired. The player works in the funeral field, acting as one of those masters that perform Buddhist rites during the funeral service. When I watched him in the episode, I was so uncomfortable because he sends off signal of lies and untruths, it seems to me it’s a technique to pull in business, yet at the same time, he dug his own grave. Let me elaborate… He was to pick a box in the beginning that might very well contain the $3 million #1 prize, and he said his friend has done various “feng shui” math and decided number X is the right box for him. The host then said, “What if this is not the $3 million box, are you saying then your calculation is wrong”? He then replied, “This is not my calculation, it’s my friend’s, my business won’t be affected”. It turned out to be a box containing $100, so no, those feng shui calculations are not true. Then he started talking about his business, how different charges are offered to family based on how “wealthy” or “willing” the family will spend on the deceased. He pretty much implied that the more money you spend hiring a huge number of monks for the ritual, the more “goodness” your family will get, and I was just beyond flabbergasted at his ridiculousness. The burning of paper goods for the deceased, sigh, business venture manipulation. I remembered reading this book that said something along the line that the paper industry back in the days is so not profitable, the owner decided to fake his own death and have his wife burn him paper goods, then he popped out of the coffin insisting he has returned from the dead because people in hell are so impressed with all his riches they decided to let him live longer. Then he said when your loved ones die, if you burn him all these paper goods, it will be easier for them as they journey in the underworld. Now, I don’t know how credible my book is, but whenever I walk by those paper good stores selling incense and various paper computer, paper ipod, paper clothes, I just feel like they are insulting the Buddhist religion.

This brings me back to 9/11 and the terrorists…they are in fact ruining the Islam faith. I am not familiar with this religion, but when the terrorists are hiding behind this mask of devoted faith, it too, is in fact insulting the Islam religion. I am scared of terrorists, appalled by how little they value human lives; however, I also wonder why these terrorists are on a mission to destroy and demolish Western ideals. Before George Bush hurl armies into the Middle East and hide under the pretense of fighting against terrorism, he too, should question why terrorists are attacking the USA. If the USA is not an aggressor, trying to dominate everyone, trying to take oil from other countries and ignite dissatisfaction everywhere, perhaps the “terrorist” trend would not arise. Today, I learned that before we start blaming other people for the things that have happened, perhaps we should look back on our own actions, to reflect on what we have done.

I carry this burden with me, two people I just seem unable to forgive, no matter how many times I tell myself to let go. I try, when I cannot, I just bury it back inside and move on, to forget it for the time being. I understand that when you are able to let go, you become free, but it is so difficult, everytime I remember the pain and the anger, I just cannot say I have forgiven. Anger is such an evil, I remember someone saying that to truly forgive is a saintly act. Could I achieve this? "To think bad thoughts is the easiest thing in the world. If you leave your mind to itself it will spiral you down into ever-increasing unhappiness. To think good thoughts, however, requires effort". -James Clavell, Shogun

The Feeling of Contentment

On Friday and Saturday, I spent the days with my 2 cousins, my aunt, and my uncle; I felt so enveloped in the “family feeling” that I haven’t feel for quite sometime, and it was wonderful. Spending the hot afternoon walking around Yuen Long as my aunt and uncle tell me potential developments and the congested streets, I felt really cared for. When we all head over to Sorrento, I had such a wonderful day with them. Seeing my cousins played with Pretzel and listening to my auntie talking about shopping with my mom around Mongkok when they were young, I could see my mom all giddy and excited about buying new clothes in my mind. As we poured over pictures of when I was young and with my parents, those special sharing moments are just so precious. It felt and seemed so natural seeing my aunt pouring over my set of cooking books left behind by my mom, my uncle watching his sons playing with Pretzel, and we all think about of how we could bring the huge pot of food to my grandma’s place for the Mid-autumn festival. These natural feelings of togetherness, feeling totally at ease, definitely valuable. Taking Pretzel for his evening walk across the Waterfront Promenade was so fun as we all take turn holding Pretzel’s leash and giggled and screamed while he socialized with other dogs and snapping up pictures around the promenade under the setting of dawn.

When I returned to Yuen Long to clock customers at McCafe, I returned to my Aunt’s place afterwards, and I spend a bit of time playing Big 2 with my 2 cousins and my aunt. Something so simple could give me so much contentment. As we all sat around my cousins’ bed, shuffling the cards and strategizing, I was in a room filled with laughter and giggling, where little jokes and silly TV lines are spoken, and we all laughed and poured over straights and flushes.

I dedicate this piece of blog to my 2 cousins, aunt, and uncle; pure happiness and bliss, I found in the simplest gathering and bonding of people, doing the simplest, everyday thing, like taking an evening walk, or playing a hand of cards.

prayer

Lord, when my soul is weary
and my heart is tired and sore,
and I have that failing feeling
that I can't take it any more;
then let me know the freshening
found in simple, childlike prayer,
when the kneeling soul knows surely
that a listening Lord is there
~Ruth Bell Graham~

Random Doodles

Inspirational Quote: "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. Our careful routine may be dramatically changed by events out of our hands. Or we take a risk and change our lives around. We can’t really know what tomorrow brings. There is something new around the corner to be discovered. This uncertainty is part of the thrill of being alive."

Random Worrying Thoughts: Nervous about my grandpa's tumor operation, but confident he will be OK, we're all fighters. Concerned about the stock market, bitter about the US stock market, see it as the fall of all markets, damn it. Don't like American political policies, the catalysts to world unrest and wars; Americans are hiding behind the mask of freedom and independence while trying to invade and dominate other nations.

Addictions: I am addicted to coffee, to the stock market, to the thrill of the movements of the market but bitter when it falls. I am addicted to massages even though I am not sure if I do indeed feel more relaxed afterwards. I am addicted to the TV and it's feeding me propaganda.

What I am thankful for: The wonders of live, of experiencing life, of feeling the wonder of life and having emotions. Thankful for the people around me, the little things your friends and people around you do to make your life easier. Thankful for the job I have and for the way of life my parents could provide me with. Thankful for my connection and relationship with God, he makes me more rooted and comforted in my midst of worries and unsettled thoughts. Thankful for my dog, he's there with me when I am feeling alone or needed something fluffy to hold. Thankful for the person I have become and want to continue becoming a better person, someone everyone is proud of, and a person that is grounded with compassion and empathy and understand there are so much in the world to be experienced and not be polluted by the materialistic society and its temptations.

What I love: I love sitting at home at night watching TV, I love making my cup of latte every morning, I love the McDonald's commercials, I love hearing stories/achievements made by others that make me feel very inspired or just all fuzzy inside. I love seeing Pretzel bite his little plastic bone, I love having dinner or drinks with people for a night of great conversations. I love the rush of buying cheap things and the thrill of receiving useful freebies. I love listening to funny stories and walking Pretzel to see the night view of HK. I love getting letters that are not bills and eating all the fine cuisine offered in HK. I love wearing stilettos minus the pain. Oh, i just put myself into a positive mood, life is GOOOOOOOOD

The end of today's random thoughts as I wait for my mask to dry, heeeeeeees

What POWER color are you?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

What's" Your Power Color?

I am impressed how this little test could summarize me so well. For the "eternal question" part, I do tend to want more, add more....though I do continually remind myself to be happy with what I have. I acknowledge I am happy with what God has given me, but in the back of my mind, a little voice might be telling me to aim for some materialistic item, or status, or prestige...GREED is popping up in my mind. Be thankful for what you have, and to the larger extent, I believe I am thankful because if the genie pops up before me right now and said he would grant me 3 wishes...aside asking for a husband of my dreams, there REALLY is nothing else, lol.

In other's eyes, I am...

Every time I watched “Healing Hands”, I always received something from this Chinese Medical Series. Somehow, it always imparts some new emotions/different way of thinking or acceptance of life within me. This time around, as I continue watching the series, it makes me relive everything that happened within my family and appreciate life again at another level. In every parent’s eyes, their children are always young, rather we are 20, 30, or 40, in our parents’ eyes, they remember us when we first started walking, when we first started talking, or when we first started attending preschool.

Before turning 18, I don’t really quite know what “death” is, I know the word, I know what happens when someone dies, but it seems foreign to me in the sense that I never truly experienced it. No-one from my immediate circle has died, thus during my childhood, I have never been exposed to the reality of death or what effects death could bring to everyone. Growing up in this sheltered environment, in my father’s eyes, I am forever young, someone that is too young to understand, or too young to deal with the harsh reality of life. At the odd age of 18, when I am already an adult, when I am supposed to know “everything”, I really know nothing! I don’t even remember how I learned my sister has cancer, all I remembered was my whole family waiting in this playing room in the oncology ward, and at that time, I don’t even know what the word “oncology” means. I just remembered sitting around waiting as my little sister did a biopsy, now, I realized I didn’t even know the results. The next thing I remembered was we were ushered into this room waiting for her to come out from the Anastasia. However, I believe the harsh reality of life forces my dad to tell me things that he too, is foreign with. I think what is foreign to him is the fact that he has to tell me something so important, yet no way of escaping or beautifying it for me. Looking back, it was probably very very difficult for him to tell me, probably because he never told me anything serious before anyways, and probably because he has to contain his emotions the entire time. I remembered him driving me to Children Hospital to visit my sister, which took around 40 min from our place; only around 5 min. before we arrived, did he say to me that he’ll be going to HK soon. “Why”, I asked, and I think all he said to me was he has cancer, so he needs to get an operation in HK, and I need to stay here with my mom and help her as my sister recovers. Since my sister seems fine, I didn’t think what my dad would go through would be anything different. “Why can’t you do it here”, I asked, the response, “because it would be faster in HK”. Only later, when I hopped onto the plane to visit my dad in HK after the first semester at university did I find out the reason he operates in HK was because the tumor was so large that doctors in Canada were scared.

Even with my dad lying in the hospital bed, I still did not comprehend the dire situation, though, I did detect something just didn’t seem right. “Why did you want me to fly to HK to see you dad?”. Even at that point, I am just a little child to my dad, a sheltered and fragile thing that just could not be shattered of its innocence. “You are on vacation, why can’t you just come visit me? Your shoes are too high, take some money and buy a pair of runners.” “Can I have some money to buy a watch, mine is broken”. What my dad said, “Take some more, go buy a nice watch.” Then, I remembered this one afternoon when my dad told me to go downstairs to buy some grapes, and I slowly walked with him out to the hallway armchairs, and I peeled grapes for him to eat. “Do I look really yellow and bloated in the stomach?” He asked me, and yea, my dad looks quite sick to me, but I said, “You look better than before, I think you’re dong better today”. Silence. Then my dad said “When you buy stocks later, buy longer term stocks with growth potential, like coco-cola. You need to be strong, you need to take care of your mother and sisters if I am not here”. Looking down, not knowing what else to say, I said “Ok”, and my dad said, “OK, I think the patient in the next bed has finished undressing, let’s go back”.

In my eyes, my sister is the little baby that just doesn’t grow up. I still remember the day my mother proudly brings her home into her baby crib. I remembered poking her and making stupid faces to make her giggle and laugh. I remembered everyone saying how this little baby has such humongous eyes, and when she grows up, she will turn into this really really beautiful girl. So at 17, I felt she was too young to understand, reality is too cruel, bad news aren’t any fun. I kept telling her to keep going, to not give up, to believe in miracles. My saying back then, “only if you believe that miracles happen, will they happen to you”. I kept pounding these messages into her, and she truly is the most courageous little thing I have met. In my mother’s eyes, she is this golden little apple, because she has the ability to make people laugh and the room just lit up because of her presence. She has fine-tuned the skills of making people laugh and remember her, so when fate brings in the horrible reality of death and strike a second time, I don’t want it to happen again. I felt very close to my sister, we walked every step of the way as we battle her cancer, we just can’t lose, I can’t, I won’t lose, I have to win this, this is important. I grasped on and on, when doctors in Vancouver can’t stop the metastasis, we’ve to leave; we haven’t truly tried authentic Chinese medicine yet. We have to move to Guangzhou, the best Chinese doctor in China lives there, he could help us, it would be fine. Major culture shock, living in Guangzhou is no fun, everyone is miserable, there is nothing to do. That’s ok, we live just down the block from the doctor, we could win the disease, you will get better. In 3 months, because of massive internal bleeding, we exited Guangzhou via ambulance and zoomed straight to QM Hospital in HK. Keep fighting, it would be ok, we’ll get Prof Feng, he’s the best liver cancer doctor in Asia, and one of the top ranking ones in the world, it would be fine. Through ulcers and internal bleeding, I asked my sister, “Are you afraid of dying?”. “No, I saw daddy in my dreams the other night. He told me to go to him, I started crying and said no”. “I wanted to go back to Vancouver.” I said to my sister, “You can’t yet, HK is not so bad, if we fly home, the doctors from Children’s Hospital can’t help you. What if you started bleeding again, the doctors in Canada can’t react as fast as the ones in HK. You be good, I’ll bring you what you want to eat tomorrow”. “I want to eat chips”. “You can’t, if you eat something like that, you might start to bleed again”. “I want to eat chips”. My mom went down to 7-11 and gave her some secretly. I understand now, you’ve to grant someone’s final wishes.

In my mother’s eyes, I am strong, I am independent, I can take care of my other sister. My mother cannot let go of my sister’s death. I couldn’t either, if my daughter was in a coma, and woke up from the coma, for just one day before falling back into the coma again. And the day my daughter woke up from the coma to talk to me was Mother’s Day. So my mother decided she wanted to be with my dad and my sister, because I could handle it on my own, I would not abandon my other sister, I could take care of her too. My mother was just as sheltered and protected as I was. After marrying my dad, she became a housewife, dedicated all her time to the family and her daughters, so how could she handle blow after blow? My mother tried, very hard, to pull herself together after my sister was gone, but life has lost its meanings. When she left me alone in this world, I was beyond sad, I asked why, how could she just leave me like this? Behind the sadness was the anger, how could she make me deal with this again? Strike 3 in my life, I am exhausted; I need this to be over. Looking at my mom’s passing one year later, she needs to know that I am very proud of her, she was a supermom. She did so much others can’t do, and she stood up and was very strong. No mom, you were never a burden, when you choose to go to heaven to join my dad and sister, I see you guys smiling at me in my dreams.

In my own eyes, I often feel like the weeds that grow wildly in gardens; no matter how much you pull it or weed it out, it will stand up again, it will continue to live through the harshest of circumstances and conditions. I don’t dwell in my past, I acknowledge experiences mould me into who I am, but I would not dig a hole and live in misery. "Only when I’m brave enough to look into the past will there be a future". I want to be strong, and I want to live my life, make something for myself. I don’t live with my sister, she’s in Vancouver, but we are closer than we ever were. Perhaps it is this distance or the fact we are not seeing each other everyday that make us value each other more. Standing one year after all that has happened at home, I am stronger emotionally. I could talk more easily about what happened, I could share more openly. Not a day goes by that I do not think about my dad, my mom, or my sister in heaven, and even though they are not physically with me, they continue to teach me things everyday. I continue to have this desire to achieve and do things to make them proud, and when I do something I feel is bad, I feel shitty and scared that I would get into trouble when I get home. Then I would shrug and go, “What the heck, there is no one to yell at me”. In my dad’s eyes, I am a little girl that never grows up, that needs to be protected from the brutal facts of life. In my youngest sister’s life, I am an annoying older sister that just won’t listen, it’s not fair! In my mother’s eye, I could take care of myself; I am strong enough to withstand anything. In my other sister’s eyes, I have changed from telling her what to do and walked away yelling to someone she could call when she couldn’t fall asleep. What am I in your eyes?

rural vs urban

I spent 2 nights in a relatively rural part of China visiting my Grandpa's hotel, situated in Enping. There really is nothing there, no shopping or metropolis plazas, not even in Hoi Ping, which is another County an hour away, that is more thriving in comparison to Enping. However, this was a very good experience and I really enjoyed myself, I was able to take many beautiful and scenic pictures.

The pictures I treasured the most were taken of villagers; I took a shot of an old man herding his one cow, my cousin and I got out of the car and snapped some pictures with him, while another picture was taken at a village in Enping with a baby boy and his grandma, the backdrop was a bunch of really old and decrepit houses. I examined these 2 pictures so many times for the past day, I looked over them again and again and what I see are villagers with happy smiles on their faces.

The old man must be well over 80 with very tanned skin from spending a large portion of time out in the sun working, but in the picture, his face shows happiness and the carefree spirit. Looking at the baby boy and his grandma, in their simple clothes and simple style of living, they too, show happiness and liveliness in their simple way of life.

Flipping through pictures in my album or pictures in magazines of city life, I don't see expressions on faces that are as real and genuine as those I have when I was in Enping. Living in the city, we all wear masks, we don't talk to strangers and we have classes. Even when we look pretty or happy in pictures, most of time it's because we're told to smile or "say cheese", thus the smiles and expressions in our pictures seem superimposed. We live our lives on guard, afraid others will do us harm, and we live in a world where we need to continue striving, because we feel we haven't reach our goals yet, thus, we need to climb and climb, continue to motivate and inspire ourselves to go a little further, just that extra mile. But when I look at the villagers, I realize that, yes, they are poor, they don't have a lot of things we do, living in the city. However, because they never have them, they don't feel like they're missing any of the "luxury" we possess. On the contrary, their simple life brought for them many things money could not buy; in the backdrop of farmlands and old houses, I witness carefree living style, genuine happiness and pleasure in the company of their neighbors and friends. When everyone gathers for dinner, it is not a feast of chicken and delicious dishes, majority of the time, everyone eats rice with vegetables, but they bask in the pleasure of the people they dine with, the stories told and the love shared among one another.

Survivor--->survival of the fittest...

Survivor Fiji, most lasting impression of all the seasons I've watched was the moment when Boo said "No amount of money in the world would I sell my integrity and ethics out to evil". This got me thinking and I believe that integrity and ethics of a person are very very important qualities that define someone. If I was actually on the show, seriously, I would not promise Yau-Man immunity at the final four and take his car in the first place, and if I was to do that, I would keep my word. Going through life, little promises I've made here and there, whenever I broke them, I felt uncomfortable or guilty, it would just keep playing and playing in my mind and I am just not at peace! So today, I realized I am actually a relatively ethical person and I indeed do have integrity. Yea to me!

In the business world, you are always told to be cunning, to be manipulative in order to come out as the winner, it just sounds so harsh! Does that really define success? When you are at the top of the world, would there be people around you that are happy for you and are proud of your success? I really do not think you need to be of those things in order to succeed; take me for an example...I believe I am a lucky person, it seems like I always cruise through things when they're important steps I must go through, and honestly, at times, I do feel that I have a guardian angel looking down on me.

Looking at my career, I would say I have a very smooth sailing, it doesn't mean I don't have to work hard, but I feel that I cruise by relatively well; however, I must admit I was manipulative here and there, not to hurt people or steal other people's thunders, but I would look at things from another perspective and alter the picture a little bit toward my favor, hees.

My guardian angel, yes... in University, first year Uni, I was in Arts, really wanted to get into business, so so so scared I can't cut the minimum requirement, since I am not very good in math and economics, the basic foundation of first year business, lol. I survived! Looking back, I really still don't know how I managed, but the next year, I was in the Faculty of Business, and learned about Co-op. During the 3 years in business, I never planned on doing coop, because it would put me a year behind that I already am, and I have no clue what happened, but I somehow handed in my application during the last hour of the deadline. The next thing I know, I was sitting in for the Interview of a lifetime, and then by Christmas, I was on a plane to Toronto, working as a Logistics Specialist at the #1 company in the world, General Electric.

With everything that happened in my family, I started looking at life differently, I don't want to climb the corporate ladder, the business world seems to loose its meaning to me. I don't feel inspired with profit figures or million dollars contract. Hees,there was a point where I was like, it's not like they're going into my pockets! This world has lost its appeal to me, and I wanted to do something more relaxing, more meaningful. I stumbled upon CRRS, a great non-profit organization that helps children in the rural parts of China obtain an education. I worked there very briefly, but during this period of time, I felt very inspired and actually felt like I am indeed making a difference. The day I resigned was when I decided I wanted a new surrounding, I don't feel like I could find myself in Vancouver, the city felt different to me. At a certain point, I was wondering rather it was the city or the business world that was making me feel empty and meaningless. In addition to all these feelings, I felt like the past is not letting go of me, and no matter how badly I wanted to start over, to see life differently, I felt restraint in Vancouver, I couldn't move away from the past and look into my future, so I made another life changing decision. I wanted to move to HK, I wanted to enjoy life the way I want to live it, you know, all relaxed, happy, and just doing what Bonnie wants! How the heck do you support that type of lifestyle? I mean, to be happy, I need money, I do want the best for myself and all. Yes, I have good parents, I am able to have what I have today because of them, and luckily, from an early age, I learn about the value of money; no, I would not throw away money at the most ridiculous thing, but I would definitely not live a pauper lifestyle either. Anyhoo...financially secured, I decided to get TESOL certified and move to HK to teach English for a little while, because my fire has ignited. I wanted to return to the business world with my own venture. What is the point of my business degree otherwise?

So I arrived in HK with my dirty little dog and it's a damn good thingmy guardian angel moved to HK too! The first job I applied to, I got it. So here I am, teaching English at a private institution part time and have all the time in the world to get myself involved with the stock market and the economy, and I must say, this city is as tempting and filled with opportunities as I imagined. My guardian angel smiled down on me when I met my neighbors who happened to be the directors of a firm that is involved with billion and billion dollars of contracts. We were able to bond, really bond, and through them, I was offered the position of Project Manager, effective as of July, my first step entering the business world of Asia. Why I accepted the offer? How can I not? They are promising me opportunities and networking contacts I never thougtht possible, and best of all, they respect me and value me, they are giving me the chance to be the "next" them, which I feel so so so fortunate about. OK, another good thing, my full time is working from 11-5, HOW GOOD IS THAT? Hmm...I hope I am not excited about my work hours too fast, HK is the capital of overtime after all.

I feel very blessed, I do, a lucky little girl all by herself in a congested city. Who said I couldn't do it? Through the years, I have changed, I have moulded, and through life's lessons and obstacles, I am growing up, and I learn to appreciate and value things I have taken for granted or completely ignored. I love my guardian angel, ultimately GOD, for he guides me through life, he instructs me of life's directions. I love my parents because they make me the person I am today, they make me stronger, they force me to grow up, be accountable and take responsibilities for things I never imagined. I love my sisters, one showed me what strong is, what positive thinking is, while the other one could give relatively good advice, hees, and actually could look at people and interpret them quite clearly. I thank-you many people that come and go in my life, everybody don't think they have done anything, but the kind little gesture, the acts of kindness, and some form of opinion you said made me the person I am today.

Sitting here and writing this post, I can say I am proud of who I am though I do wish I would stop procrastinating, and I feel that I have the maximum amount of support possible in life. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

How life should be lived

"Pliny the Elder once said that the Romans, when they couldn't make a building beautiful, made it big. The practice continues to be popular: If we can't do it well, we make it larger. We add dollars to our income, rooms to our houses, activities to our schedules, appointments to our calendars. And the quality of life diminishes with each addition."

The other day, I was in a class with this guy who showed me a piece of writing he did, I would summarized it as his view of life, how it should be lived and how it should be balanced. He brought out the points of balancing work vs. other stuff such as family, leisure, and what not. He got me thinking about how I see life, how I want to live life.

In my opinion, I always believe it is so important not to submerge into work and forget everything else that are also important, such as hanging out with friends, spending time doing things I life , or just sitting around not doing anything. Those are important moments that shape my life and make me who I am . I feel that we are always stressed because we don't do little "time outs" and just sit there, not doing anything. We often feel that we are not doing enough, not spending enough time working and not making enough money, etc etc etc. For me, when I am lying around enjoying some silly reality TV or harassing my dog, those are great times!

Just last night, I was thinking, what makes me happy and it was quite odd, suddenly it hits me, I wanted to be surrounded by love. I am the happiest when people show me that they care and love me. When I am enveloped into these feelings, I feel the most blessed. Yes, our job is important, but it is also important to maintain relationships we have with people outside our work. We need to care about people that are a part of our lives, people who would continue to walk with us as we explore and learn because they are the ones that would support us and encourage us when we hit obstacles and barriers.

We live in a materialistic world, we all have our wants and needs, money is important, thus our jobs are important. As I conclude this post, I realized that I need to enjoy my job, I need to be inspired and continually challenged. Since I spend a great deal of time dedicated to work, I need to love it too! Then, the next thing is to balance and enjoy life! Life is so short. what we could pack into our experiences allow us to reflect as we move through various stages, and these silly little endeavours of life are priceless memories.

A promise made to myself: I would never become a workaholic and not make time for other things that are important, because what counts is the quality of life. This is such an odd post coming from me, lol, because I rarely work. So, I see this post as a reminder to myself when my opportunity hits.

When the West Meets the East

When I started thinking of moving to HK, I guess one of my biggest worries was not being able to adapt to the HK way of life...yes, I had culture shock, but if you really really think about it, HK is so international, you don't even need to know Chinese! Surprisingly, I speak less than 10% of Chinese in a day! All my friends are English speaking, even when I walk my dog, everyone I meet speak English because usually it would be the Filipino maids walking the dogs, haha. My entIRE social network, from work to church to friends are all English speaking...so where does the 10% Chinese come from? When I go shopping; rather I am grocery shopping at supermarkets or doing retail shopping, I would communicate in Chinese. I would also be speaking in Chinese when I go to restaurants or when I am in the mood to chat up the taxi drivers. Finally, when I say "thank-you" to the security guards and doormen at my building, I would be speaking in Chinese; however, I random do that, I have adapted to the Chinese nodding the head style to acknowledge them. If I am chatting on the phone with my grandparents, my 10% of Chinese per day will increase, but yea, that's as far as my Chinese speaking goes. With that type of language routine in my life, how could anyone think HK is a scary place where no-one speaks English? It's truly a Western paradise for everyone in the world because it's such a diversified Metropolitan. What the West lacks, HK has; excellent and advanced public transportation system, extremely low crime rate, especially since this city never sleeps, and so many places to shop and dine, there is no way you could sample the same place twice! Just when you think you've tried them all, something new will spring up, people in HK EXPECTS the city to entertain them! Alright! After all the raving, there are downfalls, duh! There is no perfect Utopia, because we are not in heaven yet; I wish the quality of a typical citizen in HK could be better, since I can understand Chinese, it is so frustrating hearing a slash of profanity spitting out of someone's mouth as you sit innocently on the public transportation! Also, if you are a low income family or not very affluent, housing is so crappy in HK, so when I complain about my 850 sq apartment, it is not intended for everyone. So ridiculous what I heard on the news today: the housing department of subsidized apartments was saying the 500-600 sq per person flats are too big for one person and they're working harder to meet the demands of individuals who require smaller living spaces. EXCUSE ME, WHADDA!???!!!

RelAtioNshiPs

I feel I am a better person in HK, I feel more whole, it seems like I've goals and the ambition to do something with my life has returned. Tonight, I've started thinking about my sister which turned into thinking about our relationship. Oddly, with me an ocean apart, I really do feel our relationship has improved a lot, compared than when we lived under the same roof. I should give some credit to the Landmark Forum, it has opened me up and taught me to share my feelings and acknowledge other people's ways of thinking; though I still need to work on the latter a bit more. We actually talk on the phone a lot more than before, at least a couple of times a week, and it's not the routine stuff like what I have to do, what she needs to do, what payments are coming up, blah blah blah, the topics we really don't even want to talk about, which actually makes picking up the phone that much harder. Ever since the Forum and telling her how I wanted our relationship to change and how we should share, we really have been doing that; we are not just dealing with bullshit issues now, we are sharing about stuff that is happening in our lives, or even funny little stories and stuff we've heard. I value this tremendously because at the end of the day, she is the only person in the world I truly trust. She is the only person I know that do not have any hidden agendas (known or unknown); this fact is happy and sad at the same time--> happy because someone like that actually exist, sad because it's so few, it's really in a singular form. Actually I retract, I trust my uncle Henry immensely and value our relationship; but at the same time, it's a little bit different, I won't pick up the phone and call him and tell him how my day is, but when we do see each other, I really enjoy his company as well as his opinions.

This leads me to evaluate my friendships. There are a couple of gals I've known my whole life, we went to high school together and our bonds are so deep, we've remained the best of friends through University and afterwards; however, looking back, I cannot deny the fact that even though we have a special bond and share a deep loyalty towards one another, we have indeed drifted and changed as we continue on with our lives. So sad to realize that we no longer share everything, but at the same time, I do know that when we do see each other and have conversations, they are not surface meaningless conversations, I know that under the right environment (lol), we could really be honest and straightforward, which I appreciate.

Then I started to reflect on the friends I've made in HK, they're very special to me, and God is really great. With faith, I can go such a long way, he is always looking out for me, I really feel. From finding a job to meeting people I could share different aspects of my life with, he has provided me with those needs and connections. Then just when I feel relatively settled and loose a bit of desire to become even more than I should right now, he reminds me and sends down career opportunities/possibilities that I could so clearly see leading to better things and many opportunities I have never imagined. How great is my GOD?

The moment I stepped out of my safety zone and plunged into a new place where people are virtually unknown to me, I now realize it was a right decision, it leads to so much better things, so much more possibilities...

New Beginnings?

When I moved to HK, to a certain extent, it is to escape or to get away from everything that is going on in Vancouver; however, at the same time, I envision many new beginnings and possibilities. Now, as I sit here reflecting, I am still imagining the possibilities ahead....but am I acting or moving toward them? Yes and no...I truly believe in the saying that "it is easier said than done", which I guess leads me to believe that "action speaks louder than words" eh?

I don't quite know why I've this sudden desire to start a new blog, but lately, I've been thinking more and perhaps by writing down the things travelling through my mind, they could give me perspective and when I look back, I begin to understand these are my thoughts, before they are modified or added on by other's opinions and thinking, which I value highly too.

I really need to get my sister to stop procrastinating and send me lease documents so I can begin talking to accounts about overseas companies and what not. I keep getting pissed off at her because she keep saying she's busy and really, it is a mere form of procrastination, but...maybe I am hiding behind her laziness at the same time. By going to the accounting firms in HK, I am signalling to myself it's time to move on, venture out of my safety zone yet again, and I am so scared to fail or mess things up. Being an part time English instructor right now, I am living the most relaxed life imagined, but I know I cannot be this way forever, seriously, then I am just wasting the 4 years of post-secondary education and I don't think I can be happy like this forever. It's a relaxing and comfortable 1 year transition, but, argh, I got to move my ass!

I declare that I shall stop procrastinating; in fact, I'll be meeting Doris and Stephanie for dinner this weekend to get the accountant contacts ready, and I'll start learning about offshore companies and their benefits and the possibility of doing that. Next step, I just pray my sister and the agent back home are gooooood and get the house sold, then that too, signal another beginning, sigh. I can wire the fund to HK and look into small commercial properties to purchase. When I've rental income coming in, I would consider getting a mortgage, so BEL-AIR (possibly), here I come!