Every time I watched “Healing Hands”, I always received something from this Chinese Medical Series. Somehow, it always imparts some new emotions/different way of thinking or acceptance of life within me. This time around, as I continue watching the series, it makes me relive everything that happened within my family and appreciate life again at another level. In every parent’s eyes, their children are always young, rather we are 20, 30, or 40, in our parents’ eyes, they remember us when we first started walking, when we first started talking, or when we first started attending preschool.
Before turning 18, I don’t really quite know what “death” is, I know the word, I know what happens when someone dies, but it seems foreign to me in the sense that I never truly experienced it. No-one from my immediate circle has died, thus during my childhood, I have never been exposed to the reality of death or what effects death could bring to everyone. Growing up in this sheltered environment, in my father’s eyes, I am forever young, someone that is too young to understand, or too young to deal with the harsh reality of life. At the odd age of 18, when I am already an adult, when I am supposed to know “everything”, I really know nothing! I don’t even remember how I learned my sister has cancer, all I remembered was my whole family waiting in this playing room in the oncology ward, and at that time, I don’t even know what the word “oncology” means. I just remembered sitting around waiting as my little sister did a biopsy, now, I realized I didn’t even know the results. The next thing I remembered was we were ushered into this room waiting for her to come out from the Anastasia. However, I believe the harsh reality of life forces my dad to tell me things that he too, is foreign with. I think what is foreign to him is the fact that he has to tell me something so important, yet no way of escaping or beautifying it for me. Looking back, it was probably very very difficult for him to tell me, probably because he never told me anything serious before anyways, and probably because he has to contain his emotions the entire time. I remembered him driving me to Children Hospital to visit my sister, which took around 40 min from our place; only around 5 min. before we arrived, did he say to me that he’ll be going to HK soon. “Why”, I asked, and I think all he said to me was he has cancer, so he needs to get an operation in HK, and I need to stay here with my mom and help her as my sister recovers. Since my sister seems fine, I didn’t think what my dad would go through would be anything different. “Why can’t you do it here”, I asked, the response, “because it would be faster in HK”. Only later, when I hopped onto the plane to visit my dad in HK after the first semester at university did I find out the reason he operates in HK was because the tumor was so large that doctors in Canada were scared.
Even with my dad lying in the hospital bed, I still did not comprehend the dire situation, though, I did detect something just didn’t seem right. “Why did you want me to fly to HK to see you dad?”. Even at that point, I am just a little child to my dad, a sheltered and fragile thing that just could not be shattered of its innocence. “You are on vacation, why can’t you just come visit me? Your shoes are too high, take some money and buy a pair of runners.” “Can I have some money to buy a watch, mine is broken”. What my dad said, “Take some more, go buy a nice watch.” Then, I remembered this one afternoon when my dad told me to go downstairs to buy some grapes, and I slowly walked with him out to the hallway armchairs, and I peeled grapes for him to eat. “Do I look really yellow and bloated in the stomach?” He asked me, and yea, my dad looks quite sick to me, but I said, “You look better than before, I think you’re dong better today”. Silence. Then my dad said “When you buy stocks later, buy longer term stocks with growth potential, like coco-cola. You need to be strong, you need to take care of your mother and sisters if I am not here”. Looking down, not knowing what else to say, I said “Ok”, and my dad said, “OK, I think the patient in the next bed has finished undressing, let’s go back”.
In my eyes, my sister is the little baby that just doesn’t grow up. I still remember the day my mother proudly brings her home into her baby crib. I remembered poking her and making stupid faces to make her giggle and laugh. I remembered everyone saying how this little baby has such humongous eyes, and when she grows up, she will turn into this really really beautiful girl. So at 17, I felt she was too young to understand, reality is too cruel, bad news aren’t any fun. I kept telling her to keep going, to not give up, to believe in miracles. My saying back then, “only if you believe that miracles happen, will they happen to you”. I kept pounding these messages into her, and she truly is the most courageous little thing I have met. In my mother’s eyes, she is this golden little apple, because she has the ability to make people laugh and the room just lit up because of her presence. She has fine-tuned the skills of making people laugh and remember her, so when fate brings in the horrible reality of death and strike a second time, I don’t want it to happen again. I felt very close to my sister, we walked every step of the way as we battle her cancer, we just can’t lose, I can’t, I won’t lose, I have to win this, this is important. I grasped on and on, when doctors in Vancouver can’t stop the metastasis, we’ve to leave; we haven’t truly tried authentic Chinese medicine yet. We have to move to Guangzhou, the best Chinese doctor in China lives there, he could help us, it would be fine. Major culture shock, living in Guangzhou is no fun, everyone is miserable, there is nothing to do. That’s ok, we live just down the block from the doctor, we could win the disease, you will get better. In 3 months, because of massive internal bleeding, we exited Guangzhou via ambulance and zoomed straight to QM Hospital in HK. Keep fighting, it would be ok, we’ll get Prof Feng, he’s the best liver cancer doctor in Asia, and one of the top ranking ones in the world, it would be fine. Through ulcers and internal bleeding, I asked my sister, “Are you afraid of dying?”. “No, I saw daddy in my dreams the other night. He told me to go to him, I started crying and said no”. “I wanted to go back to Vancouver.” I said to my sister, “You can’t yet, HK is not so bad, if we fly home, the doctors from Children’s Hospital can’t help you. What if you started bleeding again, the doctors in Canada can’t react as fast as the ones in HK. You be good, I’ll bring you what you want to eat tomorrow”. “I want to eat chips”. “You can’t, if you eat something like that, you might start to bleed again”. “I want to eat chips”. My mom went down to 7-11 and gave her some secretly. I understand now, you’ve to grant someone’s final wishes.
In my mother’s eyes, I am strong, I am independent, I can take care of my other sister. My mother cannot let go of my sister’s death. I couldn’t either, if my daughter was in a coma, and woke up from the coma, for just one day before falling back into the coma again. And the day my daughter woke up from the coma to talk to me was Mother’s Day. So my mother decided she wanted to be with my dad and my sister, because I could handle it on my own, I would not abandon my other sister, I could take care of her too. My mother was just as sheltered and protected as I was. After marrying my dad, she became a housewife, dedicated all her time to the family and her daughters, so how could she handle blow after blow? My mother tried, very hard, to pull herself together after my sister was gone, but life has lost its meanings. When she left me alone in this world, I was beyond sad, I asked why, how could she just leave me like this? Behind the sadness was the anger, how could she make me deal with this again? Strike 3 in my life, I am exhausted; I need this to be over. Looking at my mom’s passing one year later, she needs to know that I am very proud of her, she was a supermom. She did so much others can’t do, and she stood up and was very strong. No mom, you were never a burden, when you choose to go to heaven to join my dad and sister, I see you guys smiling at me in my dreams.
In my own eyes, I often feel like the weeds that grow wildly in gardens; no matter how much you pull it or weed it out, it will stand up again, it will continue to live through the harshest of circumstances and conditions. I don’t dwell in my past, I acknowledge experiences mould me into who I am, but I would not dig a hole and live in misery. "Only when I’m brave enough to look into the past will there be a future". I want to be strong, and I want to live my life, make something for myself. I don’t live with my sister, she’s in Vancouver, but we are closer than we ever were. Perhaps it is this distance or the fact we are not seeing each other everyday that make us value each other more. Standing one year after all that has happened at home, I am stronger emotionally. I could talk more easily about what happened, I could share more openly. Not a day goes by that I do not think about my dad, my mom, or my sister in heaven, and even though they are not physically with me, they continue to teach me things everyday. I continue to have this desire to achieve and do things to make them proud, and when I do something I feel is bad, I feel shitty and scared that I would get into trouble when I get home. Then I would shrug and go, “What the heck, there is no one to yell at me”. In my dad’s eyes, I am a little girl that never grows up, that needs to be protected from the brutal facts of life. In my youngest sister’s life, I am an annoying older sister that just won’t listen, it’s not fair! In my mother’s eye, I could take care of myself; I am strong enough to withstand anything. In my other sister’s eyes, I have changed from telling her what to do and walked away yelling to someone she could call when she couldn’t fall asleep. What am I in your eyes?
Friday, June 29, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
rural vs urban
I spent 2 nights in a relatively rural part of China visiting my Grandpa's hotel, situated in Enping. There really is nothing there, no shopping or metropolis plazas, not even in Hoi Ping, which is another County an hour away, that is more thriving in comparison to Enping. However, this was a very good experience and I really enjoyed myself, I was able to take many beautiful and scenic pictures.
The pictures I treasured the most were taken of villagers; I took a shot of an old man herding his one cow, my cousin and I got out of the car and snapped some pictures with him, while another picture was taken at a village in Enping with a baby boy and his grandma, the backdrop was a bunch of really old and decrepit houses. I examined these 2 pictures so many times for the past day, I looked over them again and again and what I see are villagers with happy smiles on their faces.
The old man must be well over 80 with very tanned skin from spending a large portion of time out in the sun working, but in the picture, his face shows happiness and the carefree spirit. Looking at the baby boy and his grandma, in their simple clothes and simple style of living, they too, show happiness and liveliness in their simple way of life.
Flipping through pictures in my album or pictures in magazines of city life, I don't see expressions on faces that are as real and genuine as those I have when I was in Enping. Living in the city, we all wear masks, we don't talk to strangers and we have classes. Even when we look pretty or happy in pictures, most of time it's because we're told to smile or "say cheese", thus the smiles and expressions in our pictures seem superimposed. We live our lives on guard, afraid others will do us harm, and we live in a world where we need to continue striving, because we feel we haven't reach our goals yet, thus, we need to climb and climb, continue to motivate and inspire ourselves to go a little further, just that extra mile. But when I look at the villagers, I realize that, yes, they are poor, they don't have a lot of things we do, living in the city. However, because they never have them, they don't feel like they're missing any of the "luxury" we possess. On the contrary, their simple life brought for them many things money could not buy; in the backdrop of farmlands and old houses, I witness carefree living style, genuine happiness and pleasure in the company of their neighbors and friends. When everyone gathers for dinner, it is not a feast of chicken and delicious dishes, majority of the time, everyone eats rice with vegetables, but they bask in the pleasure of the people they dine with, the stories told and the love shared among one another.
The pictures I treasured the most were taken of villagers; I took a shot of an old man herding his one cow, my cousin and I got out of the car and snapped some pictures with him, while another picture was taken at a village in Enping with a baby boy and his grandma, the backdrop was a bunch of really old and decrepit houses. I examined these 2 pictures so many times for the past day, I looked over them again and again and what I see are villagers with happy smiles on their faces.
The old man must be well over 80 with very tanned skin from spending a large portion of time out in the sun working, but in the picture, his face shows happiness and the carefree spirit. Looking at the baby boy and his grandma, in their simple clothes and simple style of living, they too, show happiness and liveliness in their simple way of life.
Flipping through pictures in my album or pictures in magazines of city life, I don't see expressions on faces that are as real and genuine as those I have when I was in Enping. Living in the city, we all wear masks, we don't talk to strangers and we have classes. Even when we look pretty or happy in pictures, most of time it's because we're told to smile or "say cheese", thus the smiles and expressions in our pictures seem superimposed. We live our lives on guard, afraid others will do us harm, and we live in a world where we need to continue striving, because we feel we haven't reach our goals yet, thus, we need to climb and climb, continue to motivate and inspire ourselves to go a little further, just that extra mile. But when I look at the villagers, I realize that, yes, they are poor, they don't have a lot of things we do, living in the city. However, because they never have them, they don't feel like they're missing any of the "luxury" we possess. On the contrary, their simple life brought for them many things money could not buy; in the backdrop of farmlands and old houses, I witness carefree living style, genuine happiness and pleasure in the company of their neighbors and friends. When everyone gathers for dinner, it is not a feast of chicken and delicious dishes, majority of the time, everyone eats rice with vegetables, but they bask in the pleasure of the people they dine with, the stories told and the love shared among one another.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Survivor--->survival of the fittest...
Survivor Fiji, most lasting impression of all the seasons I've watched was the moment when Boo said "No amount of money in the world would I sell my integrity and ethics out to evil". This got me thinking and I believe that integrity and ethics of a person are very very important qualities that define someone. If I was actually on the show, seriously, I would not promise Yau-Man immunity at the final four and take his car in the first place, and if I was to do that, I would keep my word. Going through life, little promises I've made here and there, whenever I broke them, I felt uncomfortable or guilty, it would just keep playing and playing in my mind and I am just not at peace! So today, I realized I am actually a relatively ethical person and I indeed do have integrity. Yea to me!
In the business world, you are always told to be cunning, to be manipulative in order to come out as the winner, it just sounds so harsh! Does that really define success? When you are at the top of the world, would there be people around you that are happy for you and are proud of your success? I really do not think you need to be of those things in order to succeed; take me for an example...I believe I am a lucky person, it seems like I always cruise through things when they're important steps I must go through, and honestly, at times, I do feel that I have a guardian angel looking down on me.
Looking at my career, I would say I have a very smooth sailing, it doesn't mean I don't have to work hard, but I feel that I cruise by relatively well; however, I must admit I was manipulative here and there, not to hurt people or steal other people's thunders, but I would look at things from another perspective and alter the picture a little bit toward my favor, hees.
My guardian angel, yes... in University, first year Uni, I was in Arts, really wanted to get into business, so so so scared I can't cut the minimum requirement, since I am not very good in math and economics, the basic foundation of first year business, lol. I survived! Looking back, I really still don't know how I managed, but the next year, I was in the Faculty of Business, and learned about Co-op. During the 3 years in business, I never planned on doing coop, because it would put me a year behind that I already am, and I have no clue what happened, but I somehow handed in my application during the last hour of the deadline. The next thing I know, I was sitting in for the Interview of a lifetime, and then by Christmas, I was on a plane to Toronto, working as a Logistics Specialist at the #1 company in the world, General Electric.
With everything that happened in my family, I started looking at life differently, I don't want to climb the corporate ladder, the business world seems to loose its meaning to me. I don't feel inspired with profit figures or million dollars contract. Hees,there was a point where I was like, it's not like they're going into my pockets! This world has lost its appeal to me, and I wanted to do something more relaxing, more meaningful. I stumbled upon CRRS, a great non-profit organization that helps children in the rural parts of China obtain an education. I worked there very briefly, but during this period of time, I felt very inspired and actually felt like I am indeed making a difference. The day I resigned was when I decided I wanted a new surrounding, I don't feel like I could find myself in Vancouver, the city felt different to me. At a certain point, I was wondering rather it was the city or the business world that was making me feel empty and meaningless. In addition to all these feelings, I felt like the past is not letting go of me, and no matter how badly I wanted to start over, to see life differently, I felt restraint in Vancouver, I couldn't move away from the past and look into my future, so I made another life changing decision. I wanted to move to HK, I wanted to enjoy life the way I want to live it, you know, all relaxed, happy, and just doing what Bonnie wants! How the heck do you support that type of lifestyle? I mean, to be happy, I need money, I do want the best for myself and all. Yes, I have good parents, I am able to have what I have today because of them, and luckily, from an early age, I learn about the value of money; no, I would not throw away money at the most ridiculous thing, but I would definitely not live a pauper lifestyle either. Anyhoo...financially secured, I decided to get TESOL certified and move to HK to teach English for a little while, because my fire has ignited. I wanted to return to the business world with my own venture. What is the point of my business degree otherwise?
So I arrived in HK with my dirty little dog and it's a damn good thingmy guardian angel moved to HK too! The first job I applied to, I got it. So here I am, teaching English at a private institution part time and have all the time in the world to get myself involved with the stock market and the economy, and I must say, this city is as tempting and filled with opportunities as I imagined. My guardian angel smiled down on me when I met my neighbors who happened to be the directors of a firm that is involved with billion and billion dollars of contracts. We were able to bond, really bond, and through them, I was offered the position of Project Manager, effective as of July, my first step entering the business world of Asia. Why I accepted the offer? How can I not? They are promising me opportunities and networking contacts I never thougtht possible, and best of all, they respect me and value me, they are giving me the chance to be the "next" them, which I feel so so so fortunate about. OK, another good thing, my full time is working from 11-5, HOW GOOD IS THAT? Hmm...I hope I am not excited about my work hours too fast, HK is the capital of overtime after all.
I feel very blessed, I do, a lucky little girl all by herself in a congested city. Who said I couldn't do it? Through the years, I have changed, I have moulded, and through life's lessons and obstacles, I am growing up, and I learn to appreciate and value things I have taken for granted or completely ignored. I love my guardian angel, ultimately GOD, for he guides me through life, he instructs me of life's directions. I love my parents because they make me the person I am today, they make me stronger, they force me to grow up, be accountable and take responsibilities for things I never imagined. I love my sisters, one showed me what strong is, what positive thinking is, while the other one could give relatively good advice, hees, and actually could look at people and interpret them quite clearly. I thank-you many people that come and go in my life, everybody don't think they have done anything, but the kind little gesture, the acts of kindness, and some form of opinion you said made me the person I am today.
Sitting here and writing this post, I can say I am proud of who I am though I do wish I would stop procrastinating, and I feel that I have the maximum amount of support possible in life. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
In the business world, you are always told to be cunning, to be manipulative in order to come out as the winner, it just sounds so harsh! Does that really define success? When you are at the top of the world, would there be people around you that are happy for you and are proud of your success? I really do not think you need to be of those things in order to succeed; take me for an example...I believe I am a lucky person, it seems like I always cruise through things when they're important steps I must go through, and honestly, at times, I do feel that I have a guardian angel looking down on me.
Looking at my career, I would say I have a very smooth sailing, it doesn't mean I don't have to work hard, but I feel that I cruise by relatively well; however, I must admit I was manipulative here and there, not to hurt people or steal other people's thunders, but I would look at things from another perspective and alter the picture a little bit toward my favor, hees.
My guardian angel, yes... in University, first year Uni, I was in Arts, really wanted to get into business, so so so scared I can't cut the minimum requirement, since I am not very good in math and economics, the basic foundation of first year business, lol. I survived! Looking back, I really still don't know how I managed, but the next year, I was in the Faculty of Business, and learned about Co-op. During the 3 years in business, I never planned on doing coop, because it would put me a year behind that I already am, and I have no clue what happened, but I somehow handed in my application during the last hour of the deadline. The next thing I know, I was sitting in for the Interview of a lifetime, and then by Christmas, I was on a plane to Toronto, working as a Logistics Specialist at the #1 company in the world, General Electric.
With everything that happened in my family, I started looking at life differently, I don't want to climb the corporate ladder, the business world seems to loose its meaning to me. I don't feel inspired with profit figures or million dollars contract. Hees,there was a point where I was like, it's not like they're going into my pockets! This world has lost its appeal to me, and I wanted to do something more relaxing, more meaningful. I stumbled upon CRRS, a great non-profit organization that helps children in the rural parts of China obtain an education. I worked there very briefly, but during this period of time, I felt very inspired and actually felt like I am indeed making a difference. The day I resigned was when I decided I wanted a new surrounding, I don't feel like I could find myself in Vancouver, the city felt different to me. At a certain point, I was wondering rather it was the city or the business world that was making me feel empty and meaningless. In addition to all these feelings, I felt like the past is not letting go of me, and no matter how badly I wanted to start over, to see life differently, I felt restraint in Vancouver, I couldn't move away from the past and look into my future, so I made another life changing decision. I wanted to move to HK, I wanted to enjoy life the way I want to live it, you know, all relaxed, happy, and just doing what Bonnie wants! How the heck do you support that type of lifestyle? I mean, to be happy, I need money, I do want the best for myself and all. Yes, I have good parents, I am able to have what I have today because of them, and luckily, from an early age, I learn about the value of money; no, I would not throw away money at the most ridiculous thing, but I would definitely not live a pauper lifestyle either. Anyhoo...financially secured, I decided to get TESOL certified and move to HK to teach English for a little while, because my fire has ignited. I wanted to return to the business world with my own venture. What is the point of my business degree otherwise?
So I arrived in HK with my dirty little dog and it's a damn good thingmy guardian angel moved to HK too! The first job I applied to, I got it. So here I am, teaching English at a private institution part time and have all the time in the world to get myself involved with the stock market and the economy, and I must say, this city is as tempting and filled with opportunities as I imagined. My guardian angel smiled down on me when I met my neighbors who happened to be the directors of a firm that is involved with billion and billion dollars of contracts. We were able to bond, really bond, and through them, I was offered the position of Project Manager, effective as of July, my first step entering the business world of Asia. Why I accepted the offer? How can I not? They are promising me opportunities and networking contacts I never thougtht possible, and best of all, they respect me and value me, they are giving me the chance to be the "next" them, which I feel so so so fortunate about. OK, another good thing, my full time is working from 11-5, HOW GOOD IS THAT? Hmm...I hope I am not excited about my work hours too fast, HK is the capital of overtime after all.
I feel very blessed, I do, a lucky little girl all by herself in a congested city. Who said I couldn't do it? Through the years, I have changed, I have moulded, and through life's lessons and obstacles, I am growing up, and I learn to appreciate and value things I have taken for granted or completely ignored. I love my guardian angel, ultimately GOD, for he guides me through life, he instructs me of life's directions. I love my parents because they make me the person I am today, they make me stronger, they force me to grow up, be accountable and take responsibilities for things I never imagined. I love my sisters, one showed me what strong is, what positive thinking is, while the other one could give relatively good advice, hees, and actually could look at people and interpret them quite clearly. I thank-you many people that come and go in my life, everybody don't think they have done anything, but the kind little gesture, the acts of kindness, and some form of opinion you said made me the person I am today.
Sitting here and writing this post, I can say I am proud of who I am though I do wish I would stop procrastinating, and I feel that I have the maximum amount of support possible in life. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
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